Healing and Moving Forward: Life with a New Partner After Abuse

The lingering presence of my abusive past haunted me, stirring panic and fear at the slightest trigger.

Trigger Warning: This article discusses domestic abuse, which may be distressing. If you or someone you know is facing domestic violence, confidential support is available 24/7 at the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE.

In September 2019, after three years together, my boyfriend cornered me, yelled aggressively, and headbutted me. I collapsed, overwhelmed with tears.

He immediately begged for forgiveness.

Though this was not the first time abuse occurred, this moment felt different.

That day, I resolved to stop making excuses and asked him to leave our home.

Perhaps it was the shock of the headbutt—he usually resorted to fists—or the silent research I had been doing on abusive relationships that prepared me for this decision.

Looking back, I realize I had been building up to this point for a long time.

Months of therapy helped me gain perspective and recognize that I had lived in constant fear for nearly two years since moving in together.

Therapy revealed patterns where I gravitated toward people who "needed help," who then exploited my kindness.

Essentially, I was being treated like a doormat.

While I was not to blame for the abuse, therapy helped me see I had an unhealthy understanding of what a relationship should be.

Eventually, I moved forward and began dating again, determined to find people who valued me rather than needed me.

Unexpectedly, I met someone wonderful when I wasn’t even searching.

Although things progressed quickly, I carefully checked myself to avoid repeating past mistakes.

I shared my history with my new partner on our first date, which lasted over 24 hours.

My best friend checked in regularly to ensure I was safe, and my date jokingly asked if she was "checking up" on me. I explained her protectiveness stemmed from my previous relationship.

Though it was early, I trusted him enough to disclose my past, and he encouraged open communication about any discomfort.

When lockdown began, we chose to live together rather than face isolation.

Thankfully, our cohabitation has been positive, though my past trauma occasionally resurfaces.

Recognizing Abuse Warning Signs

If you suspect a loved one is in an abusive relationship, watch for signs such as:

• Withdrawing from friends, family, or activities, often due to the abuser's control
• Displaying anxiety or fear around their partner
• Frequent unexplained bruises or injuries
• Restricted access to money, transportation, or communication
• Noticeable personality changes
• Receiving frequent, controlling calls from a partner
• Partner exhibiting jealousy, possessiveness, or a quick temper
• Wearing clothing that hides injuries, like long sleeves in warm weather

For more information, consult our Domestic Violence Resource Guide or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Confronting Lingering Fear

Before moving in together, subtle signs of my old fears appeared, but living together made them undeniable.

Previously, I could dismiss feelings of anxiety, but constant proximity forced me to confront them.

The fear and defensive instincts ingrained by my ex-partner remained embedded deep within me.

My new partner is kind and would never harm me, yet I sometimes react as if danger is near.

Living in the same apartment where I experienced abuse intensifies these reactions despite my efforts to create a fresh environment.

Small incidents—those no one should fear—trigger memories of past violence.

My ex used trivial matters as excuses for rage, making me constantly fearful.

For example, when my boyfriend knocked after work, I panicked, recalling how my ex would get angry if I didn’t unlock the door promptly.

I apologized repeatedly as my boyfriend patiently reassured me he wasn’t upset.

During jiu jitsu practice, when my boyfriend pinned my wrists, I froze, recalling past trauma.

He immediately noticed, released me, and comforted me as I cried.

Another time, playful cookie dough fights ended abruptly when I froze in a corner, overwhelmed by feelings of entrapment.

My body instinctively reacted to perceived danger, even when none existed.

Understanding the Healing Process

I consulted Ammanda Major, relationship counselor and sex therapist at Relate, the UK’s leading relationship support service, to gain insight.

She explained, "Domestic abuse leaves deep scars. Survivors often face trust issues and sometimes PTSD, but with specialized therapy, healing is achievable."

"A crucial step is recognizing and voicing your needs, which are often ignored in abusive relationships," Major added.

Even with therapy, survivors may struggle to identify warning signs or avoid unhealthy patterns.

"Survivors might unknowingly gravitate toward abusive partners because it feels familiar," she said.

Some survivors hesitate to enter new relationships due to fear of repeated abuse.

"Broken trust can make it hard to envision a healthy relationship again," Major noted.

She emphasized the importance of rediscovering oneself independently of past abuse.

"Healing involves finding your identity beyond being an accessory to your abuser," she concluded.

Lessons from Trauma

My reactions are understandable after years of living on edge.

Whenever my ex was upset, I bore the blame, conditioning me to expect similar responses.

Despite my new partner’s kindness, I prepare myself for reactions that never come.

Major described this as a "traumatized response," where the brain signals danger based on past experiences.

To aid recovery and rebuild trust, she recommends:

• Seeking therapy specializing in domestic abuse
• Practicing calming breathing techniques
• Staying grounded and present in challenging moments
• Clearly communicating your needs in relationships
• Sharing your triggers with your partner to foster understanding

"A supportive partner who listens and adapts helps rewire the brain to recognize safety," Major explained.

Embracing a New Beginning

Gradually, I am learning to feel safe again.

Each time my boyfriend expresses frustration without aggression, I relax more.

Though my mind trusts him, my body is slowly catching up.

When triggers arise, he responds with patience—offering space or comforting hugs until I calm.

My life has transformed; I no longer live in fear of mood swings or violence.

However, occasional flashbacks remind me of past trauma.

After cutting ties with my ex, I believed I was healed, but the subconscious fears lingered.

Healing is ongoing, but with therapy and a compassionate partner, the path becomes clearer.

Resources and Support

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, many resources are available. Ensure your safety when accessing these services.

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (TTY: 1-800-787-3224) – 24/7 confidential support for all victims
• Anti-Violence Project: 212-714-1141 – Specialized help for LGBTQ and HIV-positive individuals
• Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE – Support for sexual assault survivors
• Office on Women’s Health: 1-800-994-9662 – State-specific resources and helpline

Bethany Fulton is a freelance writer and editor based in Manchester, United Kingdom.

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