Understanding the Role of the Family Scapegoat: What It Truly Means

When one family member unfairly bears all the blame

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, you're always the one held responsible for family conflicts? One moment, everything seems fine, and the next, you're blamed for your sister missing the family dinner or your mom forgetting your brother’s birthday.

Scapegoating is the act of unfairly blaming an individual or group for problems or mistakes caused by others. Often, this happens to protect the family’s reputation or to favor certain members. While usually one person is targeted, sometimes multiple individuals can be scapegoated.

This behavior is common in families with unhealthy dynamics and often begins in childhood, where a child is held accountable for all the family’s issues. This unjust treatment can deeply impact one’s self-esteem and emotional health.

Children cast as the family scapegoat often suffer long-term emotional damage. Their inherent value, kindness, and lovable qualities are overlooked, replaced by criticism, neglect, bullying, and abuse deemed acceptable for their assigned role.

Key Insights into Family Scapegoating

The reasons behind who becomes the scapegoat are complex and can relate to birth order, gender, appearance, or identity. Often, scapegoating is a projection by adults who mistreat children reminding them of someone else. Regardless of the cause, the consequences include trauma, toxic relationships, boundary issues, and self-harm.

If you have experienced scapegoating, focusing on your well-being and healing from childhood trauma is crucial. While self-care is essential, seeking social support and professional therapy can empower you to break free from this undeserved role.

Historical Roots of the Term "Scapegoat"

The term "scapegoat" traces back to biblical times. In Leviticus, the Israelites performed a ritual where they symbolically placed their sins onto a goat, which was then released into the wilderness to cleanse the community’s wrongdoing. This goat carried the burden of the community's faults, similar to how scapegoats in families bear the blame for collective problems.

How Scapegoats Are Selected

Parents may scapegoat a child for many reasons, none of which are the child’s fault. Factors influencing this unfair selection include:

• Birth order
• Gender
• Physical appearance
• Intelligence
• Skin color
• Sexual orientation or gender identity

For instance, the only son might be favored, while a second-born daughter becomes the scapegoat. Narcissistic parents might elevate the child who enhances the family’s image and scapegoat the one who doesn’t.

Often, scapegoating stems from dysfunction; a sensitive or intelligent child may be viewed as a threat and unfairly targeted.

Scapegoating as Projection

Sometimes, parents project their unresolved issues onto children who remind them of former partners or other painful figures. Biological children may be treated differently than stepchildren or adopted children.

Children from dysfunctional families may alternate between being the 'golden child' and the scapegoat, reflecting the instability and turmoil within the family.

It’s important to recognize that being a scapegoat or a favored child is never a reflection of a child's true worth.

Parents who scapegoat often struggle with self-awareness and may have grown up in similar dysfunctional environments or suffer from personality disorders like narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, leading to idealizing some children while demeaning others.

Children internalize these negative messages, mistakenly believing they are at fault, unaware that the problem lies with the parents. Healthy parents recognize that all children have strengths and weaknesses without dividing them into 'all good' or 'all bad.'

The Impact of Being a Scapegoat

Being the family scapegoat can lead to numerous challenges, such as:

• Emotional trauma: Experiencing rejection and blame can cause lifelong struggles with self-worth and emotional health.
• Toxic relationships: Scapegoats may find themselves in harmful friendships, romantic relationships, or workplaces.
• Normalization of dysfunction: Growing up in abuse can make it hard to recognize unhealthy behavior in others.
• Boundary difficulties: Gaslighting and manipulation may hinder the ability to set healthy boundaries.
• Self-sabotage and self-harm: Internalized negativity can lead to harmful behaviors or neglecting personal well-being.

Some scapegoats achieve success academically or professionally but may still struggle with personal relationships, addiction, or self-care due to unresolved childhood wounds.

Transforming Pain into Strength

Although being a scapegoat is painful and isolating, it can sometimes motivate individuals to break free from toxic family patterns. Unlike the 'golden child,' scapegoats often recognize the dysfunction and seek distance and healing.

Many scapegoats choose to end the cycle of abuse in their own families, committing to treat their children with love and support.

Healing as an Adult Scapegoat

Recovering from childhood scapegoating is a challenging journey. Scapegoats often grow up without the safety and unconditional love every child deserves, facing maltreatment and sibling rivalry fueled by dysfunctional adults.

Steps Toward Recovery

Healing varies for each person, but professional therapy specializing in childhood trauma and family dysfunction is vital. Adults who were scapegoated must decide how to manage relationships with their families moving forward.

Prioritizing Mental Health

When family abuse persists, setting firm boundaries or limiting contact may be necessary to protect your mental health. Mental health professionals can guide you in establishing these boundaries, including options like minimal or low contact.

Be prepared for others to challenge your decisions, often due to misunderstandings about dysfunctional family dynamics or a parent’s public image that contrasts with private behavior.

Key Takeaways

If abuse continues into adulthood, cutting ties may be the healthiest choice. Some may prefer low contact, maintaining limited communication through texts, calls, or occasional visits during significant events.

Your path forward is personal. With support from mental health professionals and loved ones, you can create a life that honors your well-being.

Recommended Resources

• Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
• Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson

Explore further topics:

• Living Well
• Relationships

References

1. Cambridge Dictionary. Scapegoating.
2. Ed Stetzer. The Atonement and the Scapegoat: Leviticus 16 by Dr. Kenneth Mathews. Christianity Today. 2014 April 15.
3. Zagefka H, Jones J, Caglar A, Girish R, Matos C. Family roles, family dysfunction, and depressive symptoms. The Family Journal. 2021;29(3):346-353.
4. Suitor JJ, Gilligan M, Peng S, Con G, Rurka M, Pillemer K. Predicting favoritism and disfavoritism in mother-adult child relations. J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(4):908-925.
5. Bi X, Wang S. Parent-adolescent communication quality and life satisfaction: The mediating roles of autonomy and future orientation. Psychol Res Behav Manag. 2021;14:1091-1099.
6. Wetzel E, Robins RW. Are parenting practices associated with the development of narcissism? Findings from a longitudinal study of Mexican-origin youth. J Res Pers. 2016;63:84-94.

By Nadra Nittle
Nadra Nittle is a Los Angeles-based journalist and author who has written extensively on health, education, race, consumerism, food, and public policy.

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