How to Encourage Your Wife to Prioritize Her Health Amid Chronic Illness

Welcome to Tissue Issues, an advice column by comedian Ash Fisher that explores the challenges of living with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS) and other chronic health conditions. Ash, who lives with EDS herself, shares honest and insightful guidance. Have a question? Connect with Ash on Twitter or Instagram @AshFisherHaha.

Dear Tissue Issues,

My wife, Amanda, embodies strength and dedication: an amazing mother to our six-year-old, a passionate middle school teacher, and a gifted artist. Recently, Amanda was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA), a revelation that explains much of her recent struggles. Despite this, she continues to juggle numerous responsibilities — from homeschooling our daughter and caring for her aging parents to managing nearly all household duties. Although I want to help, she often declines my offers.

Over the past few years, Amanda has become more irritable, and I've noticed she walks stiffly and has stopped her morning runs. When I gently addressed her mood, she admitted to being in constant pain but was afraid to express it. Receiving the RA diagnosis was a relief — we finally had clarity and a path forward.

Yet, nearly a year later, Amanda's condition seems to be worsening. She’s overworking herself, sleeping and eating poorly, and refuses additional medical consultations due to COVID-19 fears. She also resists accepting help with housework or reducing her commitments to others.

I’m deeply concerned her health may deteriorate further if she doesn’t slow down. How can I lovingly encourage her to take her well-being seriously? How can I better support her?

— Concerned Husband

Dear Concerned Husband,

Your question touches on a common and complex challenge: motivating someone to embrace change when they’re reluctant. While you can’t control her choices, focusing on your own actions can create positive shifts.

It’s important to recognize that your wife’s tendency to manage nearly everything herself might stem from societal pressures that expect women to excel simultaneously as caregivers, professionals, and homemakers. This immense 'mental load' can be overwhelming, especially when compounded by chronic pain.

Start by taking initiative with household and child-related tasks. Make a list of chores currently handled by Amanda, then choose a few to consistently manage yourself—whether it’s laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, or cleaning. Demonstrating your commitment through actions, not just words, can ease her burden and open pathways for cooperation.

Open, ongoing conversations are vital. Consider suggesting couples therapy as a safe space to improve communication and understanding. Therapy doesn’t imply trouble but shows dedication to your relationship’s health.

Additional supportive steps include:

• Attending doctor appointments together to stay informed and address health concerns collectively.
• Organizing regular outings with your daughter, giving Amanda time to rest and recharge.
• If feasible, hiring occasional professional cleaning services to reduce household strain.
• Educating yourself on the societal expectations and emotional challenges many women face, such as through insightful resources like Emma’s comic on the mental load.
• Allowing your wife the space to grieve the lifestyle changes brought on by her diagnosis, acknowledging the emotional journey involved.
• Prioritizing couple time through planned date nights, showing her that your relationship remains a top priority.

Your love and concern are evident. While adapting to a chronic illness diagnosis is an ongoing process, your proactive support and empathy will be invaluable to Amanda’s well-being and your family’s harmony.

Be patient, compassionate, and open to growth. Together, you can navigate this new chapter with resilience.

Warmly,

Ash

Ash Fisher is a Portland-based writer and comedian living with hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. When not embracing the unpredictability of life, Ash enjoys hiking with her corgi, Vincent. Learn more about Ash on her website.

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