Unlocking Your True Desires: How to Discover What You Really Want

Don't pressure yourself—try keeping a journal to connect with your inner self.

Setting goals, achieving them, and living a balanced, successful life all start with a clear understanding of what you truly want. While this may sound simple, many people struggle to identify their desires, feel confused about their purpose, and lack direction. Let's explore why this happens and how you can overcome it.

1. You’re Not Listening to Yourself

Many individuals grow up under authoritarian parenting, where decisions about activities, friendships, education, and even life partners are made without considering the child’s opinion. If you never had the freedom to make choices independently and lacked the courage to resist, it’s no surprise that adulthood brings challenges in understanding yourself.

Research supports this: children raised by overprotective, controlling parents often find it difficult to make decisions, understand their own wishes, and separate their true desires from external expectations.

How to Move Forward

This is a complex issue without quick fixes or universal solutions. Professional therapy might be necessary, but there are effective steps you can take on your own.

Start by journaling regularly. Psychiatrist Jeremy Nobel highlights that journaling strengthens your connection with yourself and clarifies your desires. Choose a format that suits you and write consistently.

A simple approach is to get a notebook and freely express your feelings, experiences, complaints, and dreams.

You can also take a trip down memory lane, a technique suggested by author and creativity coach Julia Cameron. Imagine yourself at 7 or 8 years old and jot down your childhood dreams and favorite activities.

Then, try engaging in one of those activities or bringing a childhood fantasy to life. This can help you find a key to your true self and discover a fulfilling goal or passion.

2. Fear Is Holding You Back

Sometimes, deep down, you know what you want but hesitate to admit it—even to yourself—because change is intimidating. Fear of the unknown is a fundamental human anxiety that underlies many other fears. Since desires and ambitions lead to uncertainty, we often ignore them to avoid risk, even if that means sacrificing happiness.

Other fears include the fear of failure and paradoxically, the fear of success. Achieving something significant may raise expectations and require climbing new heights, which can be daunting.

Many fears push us to suppress our dreams and avoid pursuing them.

How to Overcome Fear

First, acknowledge your fears and accept that feeling afraid is normal. Understand that setbacks happen to everyone and that life’s constant changes challenge our sense of stability.

Next, try to identify your fears and actively work through them. Psychiatrist David Burns, in his book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy," recommends listening carefully to your negative thoughts, writing them down, and then crafting rational responses in writing.

• Thought: "What difference does it make what I want if I’m going to fail anyway?"
• Response: "Yes, I might fail. But if I don’t explore what I want and take action, I won’t create any positive change."

Burns emphasizes that practicing this technique daily can boost confidence and reduce fear within weeks.

3. You’re Putting Too Much Pressure on Yourself

You might feel compelled to know exactly what you want by a certain age or milestone—like finishing school, turning 30, or the start of a new year. Not having clear goals can feel embarrassing or irresponsible.

This pressure often leads to overthinking and repeatedly questioning yourself, which can block clarity.

Sometimes, you might dismiss modest desires as insignificant, overlooking simple passions such as crafting handmade wooden toys or baking custom cakes because they seem too small.

How to Ease the Pressure

Give yourself time. Don’t rush or judge your feelings. Avoid setting deadlines or comparing yourself to others who seem to have it all figured out.

Ask yourself creative, engaging questions instead of the usual "What do I want?" or "What interests me?"

• What would I do if money weren’t a concern?
• Which five activities bring me the most joy? Which ones drain me?
• If I had five lives, how would I spend them?

Barbara Sher, in her book "Wishcraft," suggests imagining your worst possible life scenario.

For example: "I wake up at 5 a.m., commute two hours to an office where I spend the day cold-calling people to sell products or services. The job exhausts me because I prefer calm environments, and I come home to an empty, uncomfortable apartment, falling asleep in front of the TV."

Then, reverse this image to envision your ideal life. In this example, the ideal life might involve a quiet job without sales or heavy social interaction, working close to home or freelancing, building a family, and creating a cozy living space. From this, you can define your desires and goals.

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