Millennials and Sex: Why Choosing Abstinence Can Be Completely Healthy

The widespread belief that sex is the cornerstone of intimacy is being thoughtfully challenged today.

Personally, I can’t recall the last time I engaged in sexual activity — and I’m far from alone. Recent research reveals that millennials are engaging in less sex compared to earlier generations. Specifically, the percentage of individuals reporting zero sexual partners since turning 18 has doubled among millennials and Gen Z (15%) compared to Gen X (6%).

This phenomenon has been dubbed a “sexual recession” by The Atlantic, raising questions about its impact on overall happiness.

But is it really cause for concern?

“The real question isn’t whether you’re having sex or not, but whether everyone involved feels comfortable with the amount of sex in the relationship. Sexual needs are deeply personal.”
— Dr. Melissa Fabello

Sex is often equated with essential wellness pillars like nutrition and sleep, but is that comparison accurate? Can fulfilling relationships and lives exist without frequent sexual intimacy?

Dr. Melissa Fabello, a respected sexologist, affirms this unequivocally: “Yes, absolutely. The key is mutual comfort with each partner’s sexual needs.”

Many millennials are redefining priorities, and this perspective resonates strongly with those who choose to de-emphasize sex in their relationships.

For example, my partner and I have unique reasons for not centering sex in our partnership — their disabilities make it painful and exhausting, and my libido is naturally low, leading us to focus on other meaningful connections.

I firmly reject the belief that intimacy depends solely on sex.

Initially, I questioned if something was wrong with me for not wanting sex, but therapy helped me realize that my lack of desire was simply my truth.

It turned out my partner felt similarly.

Is our relationship lacking? Absolutely not.

We’ve shared seven happy years together, mostly without sex.

Some ask, “What’s the point then?” as if relationships are merely sexual contracts. Others say, “You’re just roommates!”

But intimacy is multifaceted. We share a home, a bed, care for our pets, cuddle, support each other emotionally, cook meals, and navigate life’s challenges side by side.

We were there for each other through profound hardships — from loss to recovery — proving our bond is deeply intimate.

“The myth that love and family depend solely on cisgender, heterosexual sex is unfounded. We must question why this misconception persists.”
— Dr. Melissa Fabello

For us, sex has never been a prerequisite for building a meaningful, supportive life.

Dr. Fabello highlights that societal expectations pressure people to follow a traditional path — marriage and children — but individual needs vary greatly.

Maybe the real issue isn’t millennials having less sex, but rather society’s overemphasis on sex as a health necessity instead of an optional, fulfilling activity.

Think of vitamin C: you can get it from oranges, cantaloupe, or supplements — the source can vary without compromising health.

If you want to foster intimacy, burn calories, or feel closer to your partner, sex is just one of many paths, and not always the best fit.

It’s perfectly normal for some to want little or no sex

“Low sex drives are a natural part of life,” Dr. Fabello explains. “Sexual desire fluctuates, and asexuality is a valid orientation. Lack of interest in sex isn’t inherently problematic.”

How do you differentiate between sexual dysfunction, asexuality, or simply choosing other priorities?

Dr. Fabello advises tuning into your emotional response: “Are you distressed by your low libido? If it causes unhappiness, it might need attention.”

“Sexual incompatibility can be a reason to reconsider a relationship, but mismatched libidos often call for compromise rather than an end.”

Perhaps you find other activities more rewarding, or sex just isn’t appealing right now.

Factors like a partner’s asexuality, chronic illness, medication side effects, or recovery can influence sexual activity without indicating dysfunction.

Importantly, this consideration should focus on individual well-being, not just relationship expectations.

Your choice to abstain is valid, and intimacy goes beyond sex

Choosing not to have sex is a legitimate and healthy decision.

Emotional intimacy — the vulnerability and connection shared with loved ones — is a powerful form of closeness.

“Skin hunger,” the desire for non-sexual touch like cuddling and hand-holding, stimulates oxytocin, fostering feelings of safety and bonding.

These forms of intimacy vary in importance from person to person.

Even when sexual preferences differ, relationships can thrive through communication and compromise.

“Are partners willing to adjust sexual frequency or explore alternatives like non-monogamy to meet needs?” Dr. Fabello asks.

Millennials: Embrace your unique path to happiness

Low or no sexual activity isn’t inherently problematic, but the cultural insistence that frequent sex equals happiness can be misleading.

Dr. Fabello emphasizes that relationship health depends on meeting everyone's needs, not on arbitrary sexual benchmarks.

Instead of worrying about millennials’ sexual habits, it’s worth examining why society prioritizes sex so heavily.

Is sex truly the essential ingredient for emotional intimacy and well-being? Evidence suggests otherwise.

Maybe abstaining from sex is simply part of the natural ebb and flow of life.

By conditioning people to see sex as mandatory, we risk making them feel broken when they don’t conform — a disempowering narrative.

Dr. Fabello reassures us there’s no cause for alarm: “Trends fluctuate, but millennials face a world vastly different from their predecessors, so their experiences naturally differ.”

In short, if it isn’t broken, there’s no need to fix it.

Sam Dylan Finch is a prominent LGBTQ+ mental health advocate and journalist, recognized for his influential blog, Let’s Queer Things Up! Combining expertise in public health and digital media, Sam currently serves as social editor at Healthline.

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