Mastering Calmness: Transform Conflict Into Personal Growth

When faced with insults, humiliation, or mockery, remember this powerful insight to prevent negative emotions from overwhelming you.

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By Irina Barzhak

Founder of the Institute of Public Speaking, social psychologist, and conflict resolution expert.

An ancient Eastern wisdom says: "It takes two hands to clap." For a conflict to ignite, at least two people must be involved. If one remains calm, the incident never escalates. This has been proven. But how exactly can you maintain that calmness?

Consider this humorous exchange:

— How do you manage everything and stay optimistic?

— I simply avoid arguing with anyone.

— But that’s impossible!

— Impossible is impossible.

You can become that person by understanding one secret: everything your interlocutor says is a reflection of their inner conflict. It has nothing to do with you. You just happen to be in the line of fire.

When someone says things like "You’re messy," "You’re rude," "You don’t understand the topic," or "Slow down, watch where you’re going," it stings deeply. We wonder, what right do they have to say that? What do they think of themselves? Why do they see me that way? We either get offended or jump into defending ourselves.

Now imagine the same person approaching you and shouting: "I’m messy," "I’m rude," "I don’t understand," or "I’m slow and not paying attention." Such behavior would likely just make you smile.

This illustrates that any accusation from another person originates from their own internal struggle. If they had no mental battle about the issue, they wouldn’t notice it in you.

People always speak about what personally troubles them. Their words relate to you only indirectly. Any teasing or blaming reveals what they dislike in themselves or cannot accept. It’s not about you; it’s about them. Your interaction simply brings it to light.

In my years studying conflict resolution and the dynamics of disputes, I have never seen an exception to this rule.

So, observe your reaction. Replace "you" with "I" and smile, as if the person just publicly admitted this about themselves.

Understanding this makes it easier to respond calmly. But don’t try to explain this to your interlocutors! It’s not only pointless but can be risky, as some people aren’t ready to face their inner conflicts. Just listen and smile. Many find that recognizing their internal struggles and their external expressions leads to improved relationships at home and work.

However, remember the other side: reflect on what you say to others. What are you willing to argue about? Why do you express yourself in that way? What message are you shouting to the world?

If you warn your children about screen addiction, consider what dependencies you have and why they cause you pain. If you criticize others’ selfishness, it may indicate unresolved issues with your own selfishness. Our behavior in conflict is always a cry of inner pain.

Understanding this insight profoundly changed my life, and I hope it will help you too.

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