Understanding Abuse by Proxy: When Abuse Is Inflicted Through Others
Explore the concept of abuse by proxy, a form of emotional abuse in domestic violence where abusers manipulate others to harm the victim. Understand its impact and ways to seek help.
Julia Childs Heyl is a clinical social worker specializing in mental health disparities, generational trauma healing, and in-depth psychotherapy.
Abuse by proxy refers to a form of emotional abuse within domestic or intimate partner violence where the abuser causes harm to the victim indirectly through third parties.
Domestic and intimate partner violence encompasses physical, sexual, emotional, and financial abuse occurring between partners or between caregivers and children.
Examples of abuse by proxy include spreading false rumors about the victim among their social circle, undermining their professional life by contacting employers, or involving authorities with misleading information.
In some cases, abusers manipulate the victim’s children to turn against them. These tactics serve to intimidate, isolate, and punish the victim, often leading to humiliation and significant damage to their self-esteem.
It is important to note that abuse by proxy remains a relatively underexplored area in research, with limited academic recognition under this specific term. This article examines abuse by proxy through the perspectives of domestic and narcissistic abuse.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential support from trained advocates.
For additional mental health assistance, visit our National Helpline Database.
Domestic Violence and Abuse by Proxy
Domestic and intimate partner violence affects millions annually but is often underreported, leaving many without necessary support and care.
Emotional abuse, especially less visible forms like abuse by proxy, is frequently overlooked in discussions about domestic violence. Increasing awareness requires understanding these subtle abuses.
Isolation is a common emotional abuse tactic, where abusers sabotage the victim’s closest relationships to cut off support.
For instance, an abuser might damage the victim’s work tools or spread rumors labeling them as “unstable” to mutual friends, enlisting others to perpetuate the abuse and making it harder for the victim to seek help.
Rather than direct harm, the abuser manipulates those around the victim to inflict damage, thus exercising control through abuse by proxy.
Narcissism’s Role in Abuse by Proxy
Research indicates that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are more prone to abusing their partners, linking narcissism to abuse by proxy.
Partners of someone with NPD may experience abuse by proxy as part of the relationship’s abusive dynamics.
Recognizing the Signs
Identifying abuse by proxy is crucial to obtaining help. Common signs include:
- Feeling powerless and controlled
- A sense of being trapped in the relationship
- Feeling unsafe or threatened
- Consistent belittlement from the partner
- Feeling dominated or intimidated
- Conflicts in relationships with employers, community, friends, or family instigated by the partner
If you suspect a loved one is experiencing this abuse, gently reflecting these signs can provide validation and encourage them to seek support.
Warning Signs of Escalating Violence
The Impact of Abuse by Proxy
Emotional abuse often results in deep, lasting harm, including anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and emotional distress.
Studies suggest emotional abuse can have more severe long-term effects than physical abuse. Abuse by proxy also devastates the victim’s relationships and social connections.
This abuse can negatively affect children in the household, even if they are not directly targeted, potentially leading to PTSD, behavioral issues, and physical symptoms such as bedwetting and gastrointestinal problems.
Mental Health Consequences of Various Abuse Types
Seeking Support and Assistance
Emotional abuse erodes self-esteem, making it challenging to reach out for help.
Remember, someone who truly cares would never encourage others to harm you. Contacting the Domestic Violence Hotline is a vital first step toward safety and healing. They offer resources including support groups and shelters to assist victims promptly.
Steps to Take When You Need Help
Recovering from Abuse by Proxy
Recovery is achievable. It’s important to recognize that being alienated from your community is not normal in healthy relationships. Abuse by proxy often involves gaslighting, making victims question their reality.
This article aims to remind you that you deserve safety, supportive relationships, and security. Seek out support groups, local resources, and trusted therapists to guide your healing journey.
Learn more about healing from trauma through topics like:
- Wellness and Self-Care
- Building Healthy Relationships
- Understanding Toxicity and Abuse
Trusted Sources
Verywell Mind relies on reputable, peer-reviewed research to ensure accurate and trustworthy content. Our editorial process emphasizes fact-checking and reliability.
- Rakovec-Felser Z. Domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationships: A public health perspective. Health Psychol Res. 2014;2(3):1821. doi: 10.4081/hpr.2014.1821
- Heise L, Pallitto C, García-Moreno C, Clark CJ. Measuring psychological abuse by intimate partners: Developing a cross-cultural indicator for Sustainable Development Goals. SSM Popul Health. 2019;9:100377. doi: 10.1016/j.ssmph.2019.100377
- Huecker MR, King KC, Jordan GA, Smock W. Domestic violence. In: StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing; 2022.
- Rakovec-Felser Z. Domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationships: Public health perspective. Health Psychol Res. 2014;2(3):1821. doi: 10.4081/hpr.2014.1821
Written by Julia Childs Heyl, MSW
Julia Childs Heyl, MSW, is a clinical social worker and author focusing on mental health disparities through critical race theory. Her clinical expertise includes treating anxiety, depression, and trauma in people of color using depth psychotherapy and EMDR trauma therapy.
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