Kindness vs. Niceness: Which One Truly Matters?

Understanding the subtle nuances between kindness and niceness can transform your interactions.

You've probably heard the saying, “New Yorkers are kind but not nice,” highlighting a common belief that while residents of the Big Apple may seem blunt or direct, they often possess genuine kindness beneath the surface. You might wonder: Is it possible to be kind without being nice?

Contrary to what many believe, kindness and niceness aren’t interchangeable. Niceness often reflects a surface-level politeness, while kindness stems from a heartfelt concern for others' welfare. But how accurate is this distinction? Let’s explore the core differences between these two qualities.

Key Distinctions Between Niceness and Kindness

So, are you simply nice, or are you truly kind? Cynthia Vejar, PhD, LPC, an associate professor and counseling program director at Lebanon Valley College, explains, “Niceness is an external layer of interaction with the world and people around you.” In contrast, “Kindness is a deeper, more internal quality.”

Cynthia Vejar, PhD, LPC

“Are you someone who genuinely acts to benefit others? Do you feel empathy and take initiative to help?” — Cynthia Vejar, PhD, LPC

Molly Burrets, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California, emphasizes that motivation and intention differentiate niceness from kindness.

“Niceness focuses on how your behavior appears to others externally, whereas kindness is driven by the genuine intention behind your actions,” she notes. “I see niceness as extrinsic and kindness as intrinsic.”

Burrets also points out that kindness doesn’t always look 'nice.' For example, ending a relationship honestly and respectfully might not seem pleasant but is ultimately an act of kindness.

Practical Examples of Niceness vs. Kindness

Consider the Threads project Tiny Kindnesses, where people share small acts of genuine care that brightened their day—like encouraging words or meals for new parents. These are authentic expressions of kindness.

On the other hand, niceness might involve telling someone their unflattering haircut looks great just to avoid discomfort. Kindness, however, would be offering honest yet supportive feedback, such as, “It might not be your favorite cut, but it will grow out nicely, and you look great regardless!”

Impact on Emotional Intelligence and Mental Health

Did you know kindness is closely linked to emotional intelligence? Burrets explains that higher emotional intelligence helps you distinguish between niceness and kindness and choose kindness even when it’s challenging.

“The better you understand and manage your emotions, the more adept you become at recognizing genuine kindness and responding appropriately,” she says.

Essential Emotional Intelligence Skills

Kindness, Niceness, and Relationship Dynamics

Understanding and practicing kindness plays a vital role in building trust and resolving conflicts in relationships. Vejar highlights that a lack of kindness can lead to misunderstandings and mistrust, even when niceness is present.

“Sometimes people mistake niceness for insincerity, especially if kindness is absent,” she explains.

The Dark Side of Niceness: Manipulation

Niceness can sometimes be weaponized as a form of subtle control or ‘symbolic violence,’ particularly against marginalized groups.

Burrets points out that societal expectations often pressure marginalized individuals to be 'nice' to receive empathy, and deviations from this can be unfairly criticized.

“Those in power may use niceness as a facade to mask harmful behaviors, and when marginalized people respond authentically but not 'nicely,' they face backlash,” she warns.

How to Cultivate and Recognize Kindness

Developing kindness begins with self-awareness and mindfulness. Burrets suggests reflecting on your emotions and behaviors to enhance your ability to differentiate between niceness and kindness.

Practices like journaling, mindful walking, meditation, or simply pausing to consider questions such as “What could I have done differently today?” can deepen your emotional insight.

Being attuned to your feelings is a foundational step toward genuine kindness. Remember the timeless advice: “Treat others as you wish to be treated.”

Six Ways to Become a Kinder Person

Final Thoughts

While niceness is often about outward appearances, kindness is an authentic internal drive to act with compassion regardless of others’ perceptions. Though being kind can sometimes be difficult, especially when concerned about others’ opinions, it ultimately leads to more meaningful connections and personal fulfillment. Choose kindness—it’s always more rewarding than just being nice.

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• Emotional Well-being

Sources:

1. Association for Psychological Science - APS: Challenges in Dating and Romance Related to Kindness
2. Contandriopoulos D, Stake-Doucet N, Schilling J. Fake kindness, caring, and symbolic violence. Nursing Ethics. 2024;31(6):1041-1049. doi:10.1177/09697330231209290

Written by John Loeppky
John Loeppky is an independent journalist based in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada, specializing in health and disability topics.

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