12 Expert Tips from Sexologists to Rekindle Your Relationship

No Question Is Too Embarrassing to Ask

Whether you feel your passion fading, desire more (or less) intimacy, or want to try new experiences—be it different positions, toys, or exploring attraction beyond your usual preferences—sexologists are ready to answer any question without judgment.

Many couples find it challenging to discuss intimate preferences openly, especially after years together. What once worked might no longer satisfy, and that's perfectly normal. Expressing these feelings is essential for growth.

To help you communicate better and revive your connection, we spoke with eight sexologists who shared their most effective advice.

Embrace Experimentation

Explore Beyond Penetration

A 2014 study in Cortex identified the most sensitive erogenous zones beyond just the clitoris and penis, including:

• Nipples
• Lips and mouth
• Ears
• Neck nape
• Inner thighs
• Lower back

Both men and women can find pleasure through stimulation of these areas, making exploration a fun and rewarding way to deepen intimacy.

Make Exploring a Game

Liz Powell, PsyD, an LGBTQ-friendly sex educator and psychologist, suggests: "Try removing genitals from the equation for a night, week, or month. Discover how you and your partner can experience pleasure without focusing on what's between the legs."

Break Free from Routine

Long-term relationships often fall into predictable sexual patterns, which can dull excitement. Haylin Belay, a sex educator at Girls Inc. NYC, explains that sticking to the same two or three positions may limit your pleasure and exploration.

Create a Sexual Bucket List:

• Try intimacy in every room of your home (hello, kitchen island!)
• Experiment with different times of day
• Incorporate toys
• Dress up for roleplay

Belay notes that many couples unknowingly share desires but hesitate to communicate them, so opening up is key to discovering mutual fantasies.

Discuss Sex Afterward

Changing your post-intimacy routine can strengthen your bond and enhance future experiences. Clinical sexologist Megan Stubbs, EdD, recommends talking about what you enjoyed and what could be different next time instead of immediately falling asleep.

Starting with compliments and then gently sharing honest feedback creates a safe space for growth.

Helpful Phrases for Requesting Change:

• "Can I show you how much pressure I prefer on..."
• "X felt amazing—can we do more of that?"
• "I feel vulnerable sharing this, but..."
• "Could you try this motion instead?"
• "Let me show you how deep I like it."
• "Give me your hand; I’ll guide you."
• "Watch how I touch myself."

Sari Cooper, founder of the Center for Love and Sex, advises giving five positive observations for every request for change.

Read Sexual Wellness Books Together

Just as we turn to self-help books for health or relationships, reading about sexuality can boost your connection. Whether learning about female pleasure, discovering the G-spot, or exploring new positions, there's a book for every interest.

A 2016 study in Sexual and Relationship Therapy found women who read self-help and erotic fiction experienced significant improvements in desire, arousal, lubrication, satisfaction, orgasms, pain reduction, and overall sexual function.

Recommended reads include Emily Nagoski's "Come as You Are," which highlights the brain's role in female sexuality, and Ian Kerner's "She Comes First," a modern classic. Many sex-positive stores offer curated selections to inspire you.

Introduce Toys

Megan Stubbs encourages couples to explore new products together, from vibrators and butt plugs to massage oils and body paint. Molly Adler, LCSW, ACS, stresses choosing toys that excite you personally rather than following trends.

Revitalizing a Sexually Dormant Relationship

Open Communication Outside the Bedroom

Sexual dissatisfaction often stems from poor communication, says Baley. Partners may assume satisfaction while feeling frustrated privately. Honest conversations can uncover underlying issues like stress, lack of excitement, or mismatched libidos.

Shadeen Francis, MFT, advises:

• Start by focusing on positive aspects of your relationship
• Identify what still brings life to your connection
• Discuss ways to build on strengths
• Seek a sex therapist if needed to find your relationship’s spark

Discussing these matters away from the bedroom helps reduce pressure and fosters openness.

Practice Solo Pleasure

Masturbation enhances physical and mental well-being and deepens self-understanding, explains Sari Cooper. It can also reignite desire and improve partnered sex.

There’s no right way to masturbate—whether with hands, toys, or other methods, experimentation can refresh your experience.

Cooper’s Masturbation Tips:

• Try toys if you typically use your hands
• Change the time of day you masturbate
• Experiment with different positions

Use Lubrication

Molly Adler calls lube a "game changer" that can significantly enhance sexual enjoyment, especially for those experiencing vaginal dryness due to birth control, stress, age, or dehydration.

Research shows lubricants help women orgasm more easily and improve satisfaction.

Common Causes of Vaginal Dryness

Birth control pills, stress, aging, and dehydration are frequent contributors. Menopause can also lead to dryness.

For first-time buyers, Adler recommends:

• Avoid oil-based lubes unless in a monogamous, protected relationship (oil can degrade condoms)
• Be cautious with silicone-based lubes if using silicone toys—opt for silicone-water hybrids
• Choose glycerin- and sugar-free products to maintain healthy pH and prevent infections
• Do not substitute household items like shampoo, conditioner, butter, or oils as lubricants

Schedule Intimacy

Though scheduling sex might seem unromantic, Megan Stubbs suggests it can reduce rejection and resentment by setting mutual expectations.

Agree on a frequency that suits both partners to alleviate pressure and keep desire alive throughout the day.

Balance Scheduled and Spontaneous Sex

Psychologist Danielle Forshee, PsyD, encourages couples to also embrace unplanned moments of intimacy to maintain excitement and novelty.

Regular nonsexual touch can naturally lead to spontaneous sexual encounters, adding freshness to your relationship.

Exploring Sexuality at Any Age

Don’t Let Labels Limit You

Liz Powell highlights that sexual orientation can evolve, especially for cisgender women who may experience attraction to multiple genders over time.

Not everyone acts on every attraction, but being open to exploration without pressure to adopt a new identity can be empowering.

Recent research indicates bisexuality is more common than previously believed, including among men who may hesitate to disclose due to stigma.

Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, emphasizes that everyone has the right to identify and experiment on their own terms.

Find Supportive Communities

Sexuality is fluid and can change with life circumstances. Feeling supported by friends, family, or community is vital for confidence and well-being.

O’Reilly recommends seeking out groups and resources if your immediate circle isn’t supportive.

Helpful Resources Include:

• Bisexual.org
• Human Rights Campaign (HRC)
• Bisexual Resource Center
• LGBTQ Student Resources & Support
• The Trevor Project
• Transgender American Veterans Association
• Veterans for Human Rights
• BIENESTAR
• National Resource Center on LGBT Aging
• SAGE Advocacy & Services for LGBT Elders
• Matthew Shepard Foundation
• PFLAG
• GLAAD

Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a queer sex educator and wellness journalist dedicated to helping people embrace their bodies and desires. Her work appears in Healthline, Shape, Cosmopolitan, and more. Outside writing, she coaches CrossFit, reviews pleasure products, hikes with her border collie, and co-hosts the "Bad In Bed" podcast. Follow her on Instagram @Gabriellekassel.

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