Why Children Lie and Whether They Should Be Punished
Discover why children lie as a natural part of their cognitive development, when it becomes concerning, and effective ways for parents to respond without punishment.
Everyone lies except perhaps infants—and this behavior isn’t always negative.
When and How Children Begin to Lie
Psychologists recognize lying as a sign of developing complex thinking. A child starts to lie once they understand that other people’s actions and feelings aren’t predetermined and can be influenced by words, allowing them to shape situations to their advantage.
As children grow, the nature of their lies changes. Child psychologists Penny van Bergen and Carol Newall from Macquarie University describe this progression as follows.
How Children Lie Between Ages 2 and 4
The first lies are often clumsy and amusing. For example, a toddler might sincerely insist they didn’t eat the chocolate cake, even though their face clearly shows evidence. Or deny taking a toy they are hiding behind their back. At this stage, children are essentially testing lying to see when it works and when it doesn’t.
How Children Lie Between Ages 3 and 8
Lies become more sophisticated. Children learn to conceal obvious signs of wrongdoing and hide their emotions. Still, they often give themselves away.
For example, in a study, children aged 3 to 7 were left alone in a room with a musical toy behind them and were told not to peek. Most children turned to look despite instructions. When asked if they peeked, most denied it.
The children lied skillfully: even adult observers watching video footage couldn’t reliably identify who was lying based on facial expressions. However, during further conversation, nearly all lying children accidentally revealed knowledge about the toy by describing it or naming it.
How Children Lie Between Ages 9 and 10
By this age, children develop strong self-control, enabling them to lie convincingly without showing signs through their appearance or inconsistencies in speech. However, they also develop a moral understanding.
Children realize that lies vary and tend to lie less often, mainly reserving falsehoods for "white lies"—those meant to protect others' feelings or preserve relationships.
As moral self-regulation strengthens with age, lying generally decreases.
Why Do Children Lie?
Occasional lying is usually not a cause for concern. It represents developmental experimentation as children test boundaries and learn to navigate their world.
However, chronic lying that occurs daily signals a need for attention.
1. Fear of Consequences
Adults lie to avoid anger or unpleasant duties, and children often do the same.
A child might say, "I finished all my homework at school," to avoid losing evening playtime. Or invent stories about lending a lost toy to a friend to avoid blame and punishment. The common theme is lying to escape anticipated trouble.
2. Low Self-Confidence
Children may lie to boost their status among peers if they feel insecure. This includes fabricating achievements like "I was the best at math today" or "I scored four goals in soccer."
They might also invent stories about expensive gifts or exciting trips to match friends’ boasts.
In some cases, insecurity leads to aggressive or provocative lying, repeatedly testing adults’ love and support. This persistent lying masks a fear of abandonment and is a way to seek reassurance.
3. Impulsivity
Impulsive children may blurt out untruths without thinking, then continue defending their statements to save face.
4. Mental Health or Behavioral Disorders
Children with anxiety or behavioral disorders may lie chronically to avoid stressful situations, such as faking illness to skip tests or activities.
Chronic lying can also indicate serious behavioral issues like oppositional defiant disorder, often accompanied by disobedience, aggression, and intentional harm to others or property.
5. Protecting Parents
Children sometimes lie to shield their parents from worry, such as hiding poor grades, denying bullying, or concealing bruises. This often happens in families unable to provide sufficient emotional support, where the child tries to protect loved ones by keeping problems hidden.
6. Overactive Imagination
Young children may blur the line between fantasy and reality, telling elaborate stories about imaginary friends or adventures. Messes might be blamed on monsters, and missing items attributed to pets.
This isn’t lying in the traditional sense but rather immersive storytelling. As they grow, children learn to distinguish imagination from truth.
How to Respond When Your Child Lies
The key rule is never to punish your child for lying—at least until you understand the reasons behind it. Physical punishment tends to increase lying as children use it as a survival strategy.
Children from strict households where lying is harshly condemned also lie more to hide inevitable mistakes, fearing intolerance from adults.
Psychologists Penny van Bergen and Carol Newall recommend the following approach for parents.
1. Confirm It’s Actually a Lie
Young children might genuinely confuse fantasy with reality. If a monster caused the mess, it’s not a spiteful lie but part of their playful worldview. Parents should gently teach responsibility through play.
Sometimes children report seemingly impossible events, like mistreatment by a teacher. Even if doubtful, it’s important to verify such claims before deciding how to proceed.
2. Show Love and Support
Children need to know they will be supported if they make mistakes. Helping fix broken items or school difficulties reduces fear of failure and lessens the need to lie for protection.
3. Discuss Emotions and Morality
Say things like, "You didn’t tell me about the broken vase because you were afraid I’d be upset, right?" This helps children understand their motives.
Respond with empathy: "I was a bit upset, but we can fix this together." This encourages problem-solving and emotional awareness.
4. Encourage Truthfulness
Reinforce that honesty is brave and valued. Praise your child for telling the truth to build their confidence.
5. Consult a Child Psychologist
If lying becomes uncontrollable, damages relationships, or accompanies behavioral issues like defiance and aggression, seek professional help. Pediatricians can recommend qualified specialists.
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