Indicators That a Marriage May Be Beyond Repair

Sheri Stritof has been an expert on marriage and relationships for over two decades. She co-authored The Everything Great Marriage Book.

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Marriage can bring immense joy, yet it can also cause deep pain—especially when it feels like the relationship has hit a dead end. Deciding to divorce is never simple, and the path to separation varies widely among couples. If you're facing this tough choice, it's important to assess whether your marriage is truly unsalvageable.

Ultimately, only you can decide if repairing your relationship is possible or worthwhile. However, certain signs can guide your decision about whether it’s time to part ways or if counseling and commitment might restore your bond.

Understanding Annulment vs. Divorce

Is Your Marriage Worth Fighting For?

When divorce is on the table, reflecting on critical questions and factors can help clarify your path. Ending a marriage is a complex and emotionally charged process. Acknowledging that your feelings for your partner may have changed is challenging.

Even if love remains, it might not be sufficient to mend a fractured marriage. This complexity can make the decision to divorce even harder. Professional counseling—whether joint or individual—can provide valuable insight during this time.

A 2020 study surveying over 2,000 individuals identified the most common reasons for divorce:

• Decline in love and intimacy
• Communication breakdowns
• Lack of empathy, respect, or trust
• Growing apart

Top Online Couples Therapy Platforms Recommended by Therapists

Recognizing Warning Signs

Certain issues, such as abuse, are clear deal-breakers in a marriage. Yet many warning signs are less straightforward but still demand serious attention.

Remember, deciding whether to separate is deeply personal and complex. No single sign alone definitively means your relationship cannot heal.

Divorce is painful, but living emotionally detached from your partner can be even more damaging. Negative relationships often take a significant toll on both physical and mental well-being.

Research indicates that long-term exposure to toxic or abusive relationships may even reduce life expectancy.

Abuse

Abuse in any form—physical, emotional, or verbal—is unacceptable and requires immediate action to end the relationship safely. Support is crucial if you are experiencing abuse.

If you or someone you know is facing domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential help from trained professionals.

Additional mental health resources are available through our National Helpline Database.

Absence of Affection or Intimacy

While fluctuations in physical intimacy are normal, a prolonged sexless marriage may indicate deeper unresolved issues threatening the relationship’s survival.

Bigamy

Discovering that your partner is married to someone else is a profound betrayal and illegal. Such deception undermines trust and the foundation of your marriage.

Criminal Conduct

Learning about a partner’s serious criminal past can shatter trust and raise doubts about how well you truly know them. Concealing such information is a significant breach of honesty.

Persistent Criticism

Constant negative remarks from your partner can harm your mental and physical health. A 2020 study in Health Psychology linked ongoing criticism in relationships to increased mortality risk in older adults.

Criticism is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a set of behaviors identified by psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman that predict marital breakdown. The others include stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt.

Untreated Addiction

Living with someone who denies or refuses help for addiction struggles can be extremely challenging. Addiction often leads to financial instability and frequent conflicts.

Changing Priorities

When partners’ life goals diverge—such as differing views on children or living arrangements—this can create an impasse.

Misaligned values and visions for the future may make sustaining the marriage difficult, though counseling might help explore possible compromises.

Infidelity

Cheating can cause deep wounds and often leads to separation. However, some marriages survive infidelity, depending on the circumstances and other relationship dynamics. Couples therapy plays a critical role in healing and rebuilding trust.

Financial Struggles

Hidden debts, job instability, or reckless spending can strain a marriage. Unexpected financial crises like business failures or medical expenses also contribute to conflict.

Inability to Compromise

Healthy relationships require give and take. If one partner refuses to meet halfway, the relationship may become toxic.

Lack of Empathy or Accountability

A partner who avoids taking responsibility or fails to empathize with your feelings can leave you feeling undervalued and unsupported.

Reasons Your Marriage Might Be Worth Saving

Even with warning signs (excluding abuse), many relationships can recover. The initial spark may dim, but hope remains if you recognize encouraging signs.

Mutual Love

A strong emotional bond may not solve all problems but can motivate both partners to seek help and reconnect.

Shared Core Values

Aligning on fundamental beliefs about parenting, finances, or spirituality provides a solid base to rebuild despite smaller disagreements.

Willingness to Work Together

When both partners commit to addressing issues and acknowledge their roles in the marriage’s challenges, positive change becomes possible.

Stress-Related Problems

External pressures such as financial hardship or family conflicts can strain a marriage, but managing these stressors through support and counseling can help preserve the relationship.

Seeking Support

Unhappiness in marriage causes significant emotional distress. Whether you choose to stay or separate, professional guidance is essential. Couples therapy can facilitate conflict resolution and decision-making, while individual therapy offers personal support.

To find a therapist, consider referrals from your doctor, employer assistance programs, friends, or community organizations. Online counseling is also a convenient option.

Explore Top Online Therapy Services

We've reviewed leading platforms like Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain to help you find the best fit for your needs.

Final Thoughts from Verywell

Ending a marriage is a profound and difficult choice. If you feel trapped or harmed by the relationship, trust your instincts. Don’t wait for a single sign to make your decision.

Reflect on what remains positive in your marriage versus what causes pain, and weigh whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

Frequently Asked Questions

• How can I tell if my marriage is worth saving?

  Determining if your marriage is salvageable can be challenging. Even with serious issues like infidelity or financial stress, other factors might support reconciliation.

  Counseling can help you explore your feelings and make an informed decision.

• When is a marriage beyond repair?

  Abuse and infidelity often signal irreparable damage, though some marriages survive cheating. Abuse is never acceptable, and help is available.

  Psychologists John and Julie Gottman identified four key predictors of divorce: criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt. Presence of these behaviors, especially if unaddressed, may indicate a marriage is beyond saving.
  

Additional Resources:

• Living Well
• Relationships

Sources:

1. Sternberg RJ, Sternberg K. The New Psychology of Love. Cambridge University Press.
2. Crabtree SA, et al. The roles of love and happiness in divorce decision making. J Divorce Remarriage. 2018;59(8):601-615.
3. Strizzi JM, et al. Motives for divorce in Denmark. J Sex Marital Ther. 2020;46(1):57-66.
4. Bookwala J, Gaugler T. Relationship quality and 5-year mortality risk. Health Psychol. 2020;39(8):633-641.
5. Allen ES, Atkins DC. Divorce and extramarital sex association. J Fam Issues. 2012;33(11):1477-1493.
6. Fowler C, Dillow MR. Attachment and the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Commun Res Rep. 2011;28(1):16-26.

Written by Sheri Stritof, a seasoned author on marriage and relationships with over 20 years of experience and co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book.

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