Exploring Friends with Benefits: Is It Worth Navigating Intimacy with Friends?
Discover the dynamics and insights of friends with benefits relationships. Learn how to approach intimacy with friends thoughtfully to maintain trust and enjoyment.
I had intimate moments with a friend—more than once. It was truly enjoyable (to borrow his words, “even the neighbor grandma must've noticed”). The English language offers many expressions for various types of sexual connections: hook-ups, one-night stands, friends with benefits. Here, we'll focus on the latter, which we’ll call FwB—friends with benefits.
Once, while sitting in my friend's kitchen, I casually mentioned how long it had been since I'd been intimate with someone. I had amicably ended things with my last partner (note to hosts: loving his music and loving him are two different stories), saw no future there, felt uneasy sleeping with strangers, yet my desire was strong and persistent.
My friend smiled warmly—we had flirted before but never seriously—and suggested meeting at a cozy café during the week to discuss options.
I dislike playing games, so I was straightforward. We ended up being intimate. Our friendship remained intact.
Why Choose This?
My reason is personal but quite common. Everyone has unique needs. Some can go long without sex waiting for love or commitment; others can't. For the latter, a friend with benefits can be a welcome relief if approached thoughtfully.
Your FwB is primarily your friend, not a random bar acquaintance. You know and trust this person, enjoy their company, and may have discussed sexual preferences or fantasies. You might have discovered shared interests.
It's easier to say, “Sorry, I don’t like that, let’s try this instead,” to someone who genuinely cares about your pleasure, unlike a stranger from a bar.
Without the hormonal rollercoaster of falling in love and the pressure to impress or not mess up, it's easier to be yourself and relax. Isn't that the key to great sex?
How to Choose the Right Friend?
This is crucial. Meet the ideal candidate.
| What to Look For | Why It Matters |
|---|---|
| A longstanding friend whose friendship you truly value | If you don’t care about the outcome, it’s not really FwB but something else |
| Physical attraction | No matter how great they are otherwise, if you’re not physically attracted, things might fall apart mid-experience, hurting feelings |
| Open-minded and non-judgmental | Judgment can be especially harsh, like calling you derogatory names after intimacy |
| Trustworthy and discrete | Privacy is essential for personal matters |
| Not seeking love, family, or commitment, at least not with you | This is tricky; clarify expectations to avoid misunderstandings |
| Not jealous | The goal is to avoid romantic complications; unwanted calls asking about your whereabouts defeat this |
| Consenting and enthusiastic | Simply put, consent is non-negotiable |
Remove any of these and risks increase. Even a perfect checklist won't guarantee success without thoughtful consideration.
The main secret: apply this checklist to yourself first. Do you meet these criteria? Do you genuinely want this? Only then look to your friends.
With another close friend, I explored some fantasies I hadn’t wanted to try with steady partners. I knew he wouldn’t judge or laugh. The initial awkwardness faded within minutes; it was comfortable and fun. Years later, I’m grateful for that experience—it helped me understand my body and boundaries better.
This was only possible because we approached it consciously, discussed everything openly, and both knew what we wanted.
Warning Signs to Avoid
1) Married or monogamous friends
Simply put: avoid. Beyond moral issues, this can lead to serious trouble—loss of friendship at best, or worse conflicts.
2) Hidden agendas
Sleeping with a friend hoping they’ll fall in love is risky. They probably won’t, and if they do, it may create discomfort or complications.
3) Desperation
If you haven’t been intimate in a long time and your self-esteem is low, don’t rush into FwB to fix it. That’s disrespectful to yourself and others and sets a shaky foundation.
4) Emotional incompatibility
If either of you can’t separate sex from love or loses interest easily, or jealousy creeps in, pause. Many relationships fail with promises of “this time it will be different.” Usually, it’s not.
5) Health considerations
Trust isn’t enough. Get tested for STIs. It’s not glamorous, but neglecting this can have costly consequences. Think awkwardness after a night out pales compared to health risks later.
Today, I barely keep in touch with the first friend—he’s happily married. The second remains a good friend; we recently enjoyed a barbecue together. Our purely friendly bond endured, navigating all potential pitfalls. It’s challenging but achievable. If you’re ready, go for it.
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