Discover Why Some People Struggle More with Breakups and How to Heal

Why do some individuals bounce back quickly after a painful breakup, while others struggle for years to fill the void left by losing a loved one? Is there a link between breakups and self-perception? Social psychology researcher Lauren Howe offers valuable answers to these complex questions, which we explore in this article.

About Lauren Howe
Lauren Howe is a doctoral candidate in social psychology at Stanford University, focusing on interpersonal relationships and social connections. She is renowned for her collaborative research uncovering why some people remain haunted by past relationships for years.

One of the most common questions people ask themselves after a tough breakup is: "What exactly went wrong?" It's natural to learn from mistakes, which is why many analyze every detail and replay moments that might have led to the split, hoping to understand the full picture.

Sometimes, this reflection helps individuals reconcile painful memories and encourages moving forward. However, for others, dwelling on the past intensifies the pain instead of easing it.

Lauren Howe and her colleague Carol Dweck conducted a study to understand why some people can’t let go of past romantic ghosts while others end relationships with minimal emotional damage. Howe reviewed numerous personal breakup stories, identifying patterns that divided people into two groups.

The study involved participants recalling the moment they learned their partner no longer wanted to continue the relationship, then answering how they felt and what lessons they took away. Most responses revealed people often blamed themselves, thinking something was inherently wrong with them if their partner ended things.

"Everything seemed fine until one day my partner just stopped talking to me. I still don’t know what happened. Maybe I was too clingy and scared him away."
— Female participant

"I realized I’m too sensitive. I push people away because I’m afraid of being rejected. This trait drives everyone crazy and makes them keep their distance."
— Male participant

These stories often reveal hidden flaws—sarcasm, difficult personalities—that erode the relationship like poison. What unites these individuals is a negative trait that undermines a once-strong bond.

"I realized a part of me sabotages my own happiness."
— Participant

"I feel crushed and broken. I try to convince myself the breakup wasn’t entirely my fault, but it’s hard. Sometimes it feels unbearable."
— Participant

People tend to ask themselves the same questions post-breakup: "What’s wrong with me?" and "Where did I go wrong?" Seeing an ex with someone new often triggers doubts about what the new partner has that they didn’t.

Reflecting on lessons from a breakup can prevent repeating mistakes, but excessive rumination can damage self-esteem and mental health.

Long-term partnerships often lead to people identifying closely with their partners, blurring personal boundaries. Psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues found that people in deep relationships see their partner as part of themselves, mixing memories and traits, which can trap them emotionally.

After a breakup, this can feel like losing a piece of one’s identity. Aron’s study asked participants to draw overlapping circles representing themselves and their ex-partners to measure this closeness.

This merging can have positive effects, helping people broaden their worldview by seeing life through their partner’s eyes. Relationships offer the joy of discovering oneself from a fresh perspective.

However, when a relationship ends, losing that intertwined identity can cause significant distress.

In a study comparing people currently in relationships to those recently broken up, the latter’s self-descriptions were shorter and contained fewer positive traits. The longer and deeper the relationship, the greater the personal impact of the breakup.

Many participants reported how the breakup harmed their self-esteem and caused ongoing emotional pain, sometimes lasting years, especially if the split was due to a partner’s negative personality trait.

"Too many emotions. Sometimes they even keep me awake at night. It’s been 10 years, and the pain still lingers."
— Participant

After a breakup, fear of future rejection can lead to distrust in new relationships. One participant shared, "I hide my feelings constantly, afraid of being hurt again." This mindset limits emotional openness and fosters a belief that lasting love may never happen.

Sometimes breakups alter a person’s view of love negatively. One participant described it as "a Pandora’s box," saying that words like "love" and "loyalty" lost meaning.

So, how can one minimize psychological damage from breakups? It’s important not to link personal flaws directly to the breakup but to see it as an unpredictable external event.

Sometimes, a partner’s lack of interest has nothing to do with you. One participant believes self-blame can be avoided by recognizing that both partners may be wonderful people who simply aren’t compatible. Others view breakups philosophically as a natural life experience and valuable growth opportunity.

For some, ending a relationship becomes a catalyst for personal development. They learn to let go of unrealistic expectations and improve communication skills, articulating desires and emotions more clearly. Many report that breakups taught them forgiveness.

Separating the fact of a breakup from one’s self-identity eases emotional pain. Why do some manage this better than others? It partly depends on whether a person views their identity as fixed or capable of change.

Those who see themselves as static tend to dwell on failures, while those open to growth move on more easily.

How we interpret breakups influences our healing process. Viewing major life changes as steps forward rather than escapes from the past fosters positivity and satisfaction.

Therefore, adopting a healthy mindset about breakups can transform pain into strength. One person might say, "I handled things poorly and may never open up again," while another acknowledges, "I can fix this and avoid repeating mistakes." Cultivating the latter outlook may empower us to emerge stronger from heartbreak.

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