Why Many People Are Unhappy in Marriage and How to Avoid Choosing the Wrong Life Partner

Finding a life partner is no easy task, and societal expectations along with our own nature often complicate the process, making it difficult to make the right choice. This article delves into the reasons why people make mistakes that lead to unhappy marriages and why being single can sometimes be better than being with the wrong partner.

Unhappy singles often imagine their lives like this:

Research shows that married people are generally happier than singles or divorcees. However, those in unhappy marriages tend to be less happy than singles, while those in successful marriages are even happier than commonly believed.

Here’s what really happens:

Singles are in a neutral state, full of hope. They are just one step away from achieving personal happiness by forming a good relationship.

However, if someone is already in an unhappy relationship, it takes at least three steps to reach a happy marriage:

1. Go through a heartbreaking breakup.
2. Survive the emotional recovery phase.
3. Build a healthy relationship.

So, if you’re single, things aren’t as bad as they seem, right?

Reflecting on the importance of choosing the right life partner is like contemplating the size of the universe or death—these are vast concepts that are hard to grasp.

But unlike death or the universe’s size, choosing a life partner is within your control. It’s crucial to understand the significance of this decision and carefully evaluate various factors before making it.

Why This Matters So Much

Let’s start with some math: subtract your age from 90. If you live a long life, that’s roughly the number of years you’ll spend with your life partner.

That’s a lot of years.

Of course, people can divorce, but most believe it won’t happen to them. A recent study found that 86% of young people think their current or future marriage will last a lifetime.

When choosing a life partner, remember they will likely be the parent of your future child and profoundly influence them. You’ll share approximately 20,000 dinners, travel together on around 100 vacations, enjoy leisure and fun times, serve as each other's home therapist, and hear about their day roughly 18,000 times.

Factors Working Against Us

So, how is it that so many intelligent, educated, and rational people end up choosing partners who don’t meet their needs?

People Don’t Truly Know What They Want from Relationships

When people are single, they often have a vague idea of what they want from a relationship. One study showed that participants who enjoyed casual dating expressed preferences that they contradicted within minutes of real interaction.

This isn’t surprising—experience is usually needed to excel at anything. However, not everyone gets to be in serious relationships before choosing a life partner due to time constraints.

Moreover, the needs of a person in a relationship differ greatly from those of a single person. Therefore, it’s challenging to understand what you truly want from a relationship until you’re actually in one.

Society Gives Terrible Advice

Society encourages ignorance about relationships and advises people to just let things happen naturally.

If you start a business, society agrees you’ll be more effective if you attend business school, create a solid business plan, and analyze the market carefully. This makes sense because that’s how to do things well and avoid mistakes.

But if someone were to attend a school to learn how to choose a life partner and build healthy relationships, make a plan to find a good partner, and track their progress, here’s how society would react:

• They’d be seen as overly rational, cold robots;
• They’d be told they worry too much about relationships;
• They’d be compared to eccentric characters like Sheldon Cooper (which partly ties back to the first point).

When it comes to relationships, society disapproves of planning and close attention. Instead, people are expected to rely on fate, listen to their hearts, and hope for the best. If a business owner followed this advice, they’d likely lose their company. Success in relationships achieved this way depends mostly on luck.

Society Opposes Broad Partner Searches

Research into factors affecting partner choice revealed that available options matter far more than personal preferences. In fact, 98% of partner choice depends on available options, and only 2% on desires.

In other words, people choose from what’s available, regardless of how poorly it fits.

The obvious conclusion: everyone looking for a partner should engage in many online dating experiences, go on frequent dates, and explore as many candidates as possible.

However, traditional society doesn’t encourage this, and some still feel embarrassed to admit their relationship began online. The socially accepted way to meet a life partner is through chance encounters within one’s social circle. Fortunately, these social norms are evolving.

Society Rushes Us

There’s a common belief that people should marry no earlier than 20 and no later than 35. A better rule would be: “Never marry the wrong partner.” Yet society tends to judge a 37-year-old single person more harshly than a 37-year-old unhappy spouse.

This is simply illogical. A single person is just one step away from a wonderful relationship, while someone in an unhappy marriage must first endure the pain of breakup, divorce hassles, and moving before finding the right partner.

Human Nature Doesn’t Do Us Any Favors

Human nature evolved tens of thousands of years ago and doesn’t account for the concept of deep, lifelong partnerships lasting 50 years.

When we see someone and feel even a slight spark of desire, our biology switches to “let’s do this” mode, flooding us with hormones that increase attraction, love, and action.

Our brain can override this if we consciously decide not to pursue a relationship. But often, when the right decision would be to reject a partner and keep searching, we follow our hormones and form an unsuitable union.

Biological Clocks Are Ticking

For women who want to have biological children with their spouse, there’s a real time limit—finding a partner before age 40. This sad fact adds pressure to the search. However, adopting children with the right partner can be even better than having biological children with someone who isn’t a good match.

The Outcome

So we take people who don’t know what they truly want from relationships, place them in a society that advises them not to think too much, not to search thoroughly, and to hurry, and combine this with hormones pushing us to reproduce with the first available partner. What do we get?

A lot of people making the most important choice of their lives wrong. Let’s look at the most common types of people fitting this description who find themselves in unhappy relationships.

Very Romantic Ronald

Very Romantic Ronald’s mistake is believing that love alone is enough to marry. Romance can be a big part of relationships, and love is the secret ingredient of a happy marriage, but without other important factors, a happy family cannot be built.

Very romantic people often ignore their inner voice warning them when the relationship isn’t bringing happiness.

They silence reason with thoughts like, “Everything happens for a reason, and our meeting can’t be a coincidence,” or “I’m head over heels in love, and that’s all that matters.”

Once convinced they’ve found their soulmate, they stop questioning and rely fully on faith. The result? Fifty years of unhappy marriage.

Fear-Driven Frida

Fear is one of the worst advisors when choosing a life partner. Unfortunately, societal pressures cause rational singles to feel this fear more intensely as they approach 30.

Various fears related to being single include: fear of being the last single person among friends, fear of becoming an older parent, or fear of social judgment. These fears often lead to rushed and poor partner choices.

The irony is that the only reasonable fear should be spending two-thirds of your life in an unhappy marriage with an unsuitable partner.

Fear-driven individuals avoid risk and waiting for the right partner until 40, so they often settle for the first available option and live unhappily.

Influence-Swayed Ed

Influence-Swayed Ed lets others decide who suits him as a partner. Choosing a life partner is deeply personal and complex. Everyone chooses differently, and no one else, even close friends or family, can fully understand your motives and desires.

Others’ opinions and preferences shouldn’t dictate your choice unless there’s abuse or violence involved.

It’s unfortunate when a suitable partner is rejected due to disapproval from friends or family, or factors that shouldn’t matter (like different religion).

Conversely, some stay in relationships because they look good to others. Even if things aren’t healthy, they prefer to heed outside opinions rather than their own feelings, tightening the noose.

Superficial Sharon

Superficial Sharon focuses more on her partner’s description than their inner world. She checks many boxes: height, prestigious job, financial status, special achievements, or talents.

Everyone has criteria for a partner, but for superficial people, these are all that matter.

They tick off boxes on a mental resume and ignore the partner’s individuality, often ending up with something very different from what they truly want.

Selfish Stanley

Selfish people fall into three categories.

1. My Way or No Way

This type cannot make sacrifices or compromises. They believe their needs, desires, and opinions are far more important than their partner’s. They make decisions solely based on their own path. In reality, they don’t want partnership—they want to live their own life with company.

At best, selfish people pair with very kind partners; at worst, with weak-willed partners full of insecurities. They miss the chance to be part of a team where everyone is equal.

2. The Main Character

The tragedy of the main character is that they are completely self-absorbed. They want a partner who is both their therapist and biggest fan, without giving anything in return.

Every evening, conversations revolve 90% around the main character. After all, they are the star of the relationship!

The problem is their inability to see beyond their own world, leaving their partner bored for 50 years.

3. Needs-Driven

Everyone has needs and wants them met. But when someone chooses a partner solely based on needs (she cooks for me, he’ll be a good father, she’ll be a good wife, he’s wealthy, she helps me stay organized, he’s good in bed), it becomes a real problem.

After a year, when needs are met and taken for granted, other aspects may prove unsatisfactory, and a happy life requires much more.

The main reason all these types are unhappy in marriage is that their choices are driven by fear, selfishness, or external influence—forces that don’t consider what partnership truly means and don’t foster happy relationships.

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