The Dangers of Overprotection and How to Stop Harming Children with Mental Health Challenges

Overprotection obstructs the natural development of even perfectly healthy children. When a child is dealing with a mental health disorder, this excessive care can effectively turn them into dependent individuals.

By Nadezhda Stepunina

Psychiatrist and psychotherapist specializing in psychosocial rehabilitation of adolescents and young adults with mental health differences. Facebook profile*.

Volodya is 16 years old and stands nearly six feet tall. He is finishing ninth grade. His mother wipes his nose with a handkerchief, but he doesn’t react. It turns out Volodya never leaves the house without his mother and cannot answer questions without her assistance. Volodya has autism, but it’s not the autism that prevents him from managing simple tasks like keeping his nose clean, moving around the city, or responding to questions independently.

Sonia’s mother proudly shares that she dressed her daughter until age 10 and carried her to school until second grade. Now at 17, Sonia struggles with social interactions, feels insecure among peers, cannot pack her school bag on her own, and leaves used sanitary pads scattered around the house. Sonia also has a psychiatric diagnosis but possesses intact intelligence and a model-like appearance.

These are just a few examples from my clinical experience. Parental overprotection impedes normal development in even healthy children. For those with mental health conditions, it can essentially create a state of disability. Such extreme overprotection is rarely seen outside families raising children with mental health challenges.

Why Do Parents Overprotect Their Children Excessively?

Parents—especially mothers—often feel overwhelmed by guilt, shame, fear, irritation, and exhaustion, among a spectrum of emotions. Teaching a healthy child to be self-sufficient is often a test of patience and persistence, and not all parents succeed.

When it comes to children with special needs, these challenges multiply exponentially. Learning becomes objectively harder, emotional resilience is fragile, and social interactions with peers, caregivers, and educators can be fraught with difficulty. Add to this the judgmental glances from other parents, cashiers, and passersby, which tighten a parent's chest and ignite a near-instinctual urge to protect, shield, and ease their child’s life.

Consider also the fatigue from a long, often unsuccessful struggle to make the child 'fit in.' Frustration builds from the child’s differences, accompanied by guilt over that frustration and over the child’s challenges. For only children, all meaning, pain, hope, and despair can rest on their shoulders. External pressures such as work, unstable personal life, numerous responsibilities, and internal emptiness may further compound the situation.

Manifestations of Overprotection

Overprotection can take various forms, shaping parents’ perceptions of their child differently.

1. The Child as a Fragile Vase

The child is perceived as extremely fragile and almost incapable of surviving independently. Leaving them alone feels catastrophic.

This attitude is common among anxious parents or when a child experiences a sudden crisis, such as a psychotic episode around ages 14–15. Previously, the child was a typical teenager who enjoyed social activities, learned, and formed relationships. After the crisis and hospitalization, although recovery occurs, the mother’s inner world is deeply shaken. The fragile balance feels as if it could break at any moment, leading her to never leave the child’s side, holding their hand, maintaining constant eye contact, and micromanaging their every move.

However, mental health recovery after a psychotic episode is similar to healing from a broken arm once the cast is removed. Emotions, willpower, and cognition are weakened and require gradually increasing, thoughtfully structured challenges to regain strength. Physical activity and self-management in daily life are especially beneficial.

2. The Child as a Hidden Secret

Parents feel intense shame about the child's differences and seek to hide them from the world. The family drastically limits social interactions, avoids taking the child to public celebrations, and refrains from visiting playgrounds where other parents and children gather.

Later, the child may attend individualized or home-based schooling, with remote learning in college or university. They are never sent to the store alone, and public transport is used only in emergencies. This form of overprotection creates an invisible 'closet' where the child is hidden away.

3. The Child as a Racehorse

This approach focuses exclusively on the child’s exceptional talents at the expense of all else. Why should a future chess champion or scientist clean up, wash dishes, or shop? They simply don’t have time, and these tasks aren’t priorities. Parents believe that all the struggles will pay off eventually, bringing money, fame, and a housekeeper.

Such attitudes are common among parents of autistic children who develop unevenly. While the child may excel in one area, this advantage often diminishes with age, and parental expectations may not be met.

4. The Child as a Scapegoat

The child is blamed for shattered hopes, divorce, or a difficult life. This attitude stems from resentment toward life, which is projected onto the child as an easy target. These feelings are rarely expressed openly. A common disguise is relentless caregiving intended to weaken, suppress, and bind the child more tightly to the parent.

Of course, these categories are fluid. A child may shift between roles or embody multiple simultaneously. Most parents do not intend harm consciously.

How to Stop Overprotecting Your Child

Step One: Acknowledge Overprotection

Honestly admit to yourself that you are doing things for your child that they are capable of handling independently.

Step Two: Understand Your Motivations

It may seem unnecessary to change a long-established pattern. But ask yourself: "What will happen to my child if I suddenly fall ill or pass away?" The reality could be placement in a psychiatric care facility for chronic mental illness—a terrifying outcome for someone accustomed to love, family, and personal belongings. This reflection often prompts reconsideration.

Sometimes new relationships, hobbies, or pregnancy inspire parents to stop spending excessive time managing their teenager’s daily needs.

If you want to change but struggle to do so alone, seek support from a psychotherapist. Parent support groups for children with mental health differences can also be invaluable. Many parents openly discuss their challenges, exchange experiences, and receive encouragement for the first time.

Step Three: Find Motivation for Your Child

Young children naturally show interest in learning self-care skills. Up to adolescence, children often comply simply because of parental authority. Beyond that, attempts to teach may be ignored or rejected.

Peer influence or external authority figures (family friends, teachers, coaches) can motivate temporarily. Small rewards like pocket money, desired purchases, or access to entertainment after completing chores may help but overuse can lead to increased demands and depleted parental resources.

Social coaching is effective here. Young adults who have faced mental health challenges and managed them successfully can mentor peers, teaching cooking, cleaning, and self-care skills while engaging in meaningful conversations.

Step Four: Be Patient and Teach Gradually

Teaching seemingly simple skills to children with mental health differences requires breaking tasks into smaller, manageable steps.

For example, to teach a teenager to shop independently, start with a visit to a small kiosk. Accompany your child and ask them to buy one item, handing over money and asking for the product themselves. If there are difficulties with money management, discuss prices and funds beforehand. Let them make the purchase independently.

Each step needs repetition and reinforcement.

Simultaneously, visit a nearby supermarket together, make a shopping list, and select items. Ask your child to pay while you stay close. Next, send them alone to buy groceries while you wait at the exit. Then, wait in the car or at home. Progress to different stores where your child independently creates the shopping list.

Adjust the approach based on challenges encountered by dividing obstacles into simpler tasks.

Related reading:

• What Prevents Raising an Independent Child →
• How to Raise an Independent Child: The Lazy Mom Method →
• Advice for Parents Who Want to Raise Independent Children →

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