Are You Unknowingly Undermining Your Relationship?

Recognizing the subtle signals that you might be disrupting a healthy relationship

Imagine meeting someone new and enjoying a promising start filled with chemistry, fun moments, and meaningful conversations. As you grow closer and discussions about commitment arise, anxiety suddenly takes over.

Fear sets in. You start ignoring messages, cancel plans, and shy away from deepening the bond. Your partner grows frustrated or hurt, and before long, the relationship ends.

If this scenario sounds familiar, you could be engaging in self-sabotage within your relationships.

Understanding Self-Sabotage in Romantic Relationships

Self-sabotage involves behaviors—whether conscious or subconscious—that actively damage or end relationships. This might include distancing yourself emotionally, pushing your partner away, or creating conflicts to justify exiting the relationship. Such patterns often stem from past trauma, trust issues, or underdeveloped relationship skills.

Though damaging, these tendencies can be identified and managed with awareness and support.

Expert Insights: Managing Self-Sabotaging Behaviors

Therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, explores how fear of happiness can trigger self-sabotage in relationships in this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast. Listen now to gain practical advice.

Available on Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts / Amazon Music

What Triggers Self-Sabotage in Relationships?

The reasons behind self-sabotaging behaviors vary widely based on individual experiences. Our upbringing, childhood, adolescent years, and early relationships shape how we engage with intimacy as adults.

A common root cause is the fear of intimacy—dread of emotional or physical closeness. While everyone craves intimacy, those with negative associations may oscillate between wanting closeness and pushing it away, leading to unstable relationship dynamics.

Seeking Support

Explore trusted online therapy platforms like Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain to find the best fit for your journey toward healthier relationships.

Impact of Childhood Trauma

Fear of intimacy often originates from challenging childhood experiences or abuse, instilling a belief that close relationships are unsafe. Past betrayals by caregivers can cause adults to doubt the trustworthiness of loved ones, even when current relationships are healthy.

Common Fears

Two prevalent fears include abandonment—the worry that loved ones will leave during vulnerable moments—and engulfment—the fear of losing oneself within the relationship. These combined fears fuel the characteristic "push-and-pull" cycle.

Why Do People Self-Sabotage?

Typical reasons include:

• Fear of emotional pain or abandonment
• Trust issues rooted in past experiences
• Unrealistic or perfectionistic expectations
• Low self-worth
• Limited relationship skills

Identifying Self-Sabotaging Patterns

Signs you might be undermining your relationships include:

• Seeking excuses to exit the relationship
• Gaslighting your partner
• Engaging in serial dating
• Experiencing intense jealousy
• Constant criticism
• Avoidance of conflict
• Holding grudges
• Promiscuity as a form of self-protection
• Low self-esteem expressed through self-deprecation

Avoiding Commitment

Dodging milestones like meeting family or moving in together, always planning an easy escape if things go wrong, reflects a fear of being tied down due to potential emotional or financial consequences.

Gaslighting

Dismissing your partner's feelings or reality undermines trust and emotional safety, signaling deeper issues with validating their experiences.

Serial Dating

Frequently ending relationships over minor issues and quickly moving on can indicate an inability to commit despite desiring connection.

Jealousy and Control

Excessive suspicion and demands for constant contact can push partners away, often resulting in breakups.

Perpetual Criticism

Holding partners to impossible standards creates a toxic environment that erodes intimacy and satisfaction.

Conflict Avoidance

Ignoring problems prevents growth and resolution, causing resentment and eventual separation.

Holding Grudges

Clinging to past hurts blocks emotional closeness and perpetuates distance.

Promiscuity as Sabotage

Engaging in affairs or multiple partners without mutual agreement can be a destructive way to end relationships preemptively.

Low Self-Esteem

Negative self-talk diminishes attraction and can lead partners to feel unappreciated or burdened.

Many of these behaviors are harmful and often linked to unresolved childhood trauma, highlighting the need for compassion and professional support.

The Consequences of Self-Sabotage

While self-sabotage may provide a temporary escape from feared intimacy, it often leads to long-term issues such as:

• Difficulty forming lasting, secure relationships
• Feelings of loneliness and isolation
• Missing out on family-building opportunities
• Increased challenges in trusting and opening up to future partners

How to Break the Cycle of Self-Sabotage

Healing begins with honest self-reflection and a commitment to change. Therapy provides a safe space to explore underlying fears and develop healthier habits.

Understanding Your Attachment Style

Attachment theory explains how early experiences influence adult relationship patterns. Working with a therapist can help transform anxious or avoidant attachments into secure connections.

Taking Ownership

Acknowledge your role in relationship challenges and embrace vulnerability to foster growth and intimacy.

Identifying Triggers

Recognize what situations or feelings activate your fears to better manage or overcome them.

Living in the Present

Separate past experiences from current relationships by reminding yourself, "That was then, this is now," enabling healthier decisions.

Communicating Openly

Express your emotions and needs honestly to build understanding and connection with your partner.

Supporting a Self-Sabotaging Partner

If your partner exhibits these behaviors, remember it’s not your fault. Encourage positive changes and professional help while maintaining your own boundaries.

Final Thoughts

Understanding self-sabotage is the first step toward healing. Treat yourself with kindness, seek support, and collaborate with your partner to break free from destructive cycles and build fulfilling relationships.

Explore more on mindful dating and relationship wellness through our curated resources.

Source: Peel R, Caltabiano N. Why do we sabotage love? A thematic analysis of lived experiences of relationship breakdown and maintenance. J Couple Relatsh Ther. 2021;20(2):99-131. doi:10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039

Written by Anabelle Bernard Fournier, sexual and reproductive health researcher at the University of Victoria and health writer.

Explore useful articles in Relationships as of 12-11-2023. The article titled " Are You Unknowingly Undermining Your Relationship? " offers in-depth analysis and practical advice in the Relationships field. Each article is carefully crafted by experts to provide maximum value to readers.

The " Are You Unknowingly Undermining Your Relationship? " article expands your knowledge in Relationships, keeps you informed about the latest developments, and helps you make well-informed decisions. Each article is based on unique content, ensuring originality and quality.