Why Your First Friendship May Matter More Than Your First Love

When you think about growing up, your first friendships and first loves both leave a mark. This article explains why early friendships can be more influential for your emotional development, especially during teenage years and early adulthood. We will explore three practical reasons and what they mean for healthy relationships later in life.

Why compare first friendship and first love?

First love is often seen as iconic, celebrated in songs, novels, and television shows. It is a life-defining moment that may influence future relationships. But first friendship deserves attention too; it happens during a pivotal time when we learn to manage emotions, negotiate, and decide what matters in relationships.

With friendship, the dynamic is different. It remains a real relationship, and a breakup with a friend is a breakup too. The term platonic love describes a deep, nonromantic bond that can feel almost like a spiritual connection.

So do not underestimate the importance of early friendship. At certain moments it can be more important than first love, and we can compare them on several points. But first, let us define the terms and focus on relationships formed with awareness, when people can reflect and work on them.

Yulia Shashkova

Clinical psychologist, CBT and schema therapy specialist, sexologist, expert at PsychoDemy

From a developmental psychology perspective, both first friendship and first love help build working models of relationships. They shape how we learn to trust, what we expect from closeness, and where the boundaries between self and others lie. The first friendship often coincides with self-discovery, as a teen learns to see themselves through a peer's eyes, contributing to identity formation.

What makes first friendship win over first love

1. First friendship happens earlier

It is our first training ground for navigating boundaries with someone we care about but who is not family. Family members are always there, but a friend can drift away. A friend may have a different background, so finding a working harmony requires effort and adaptation. We also choose our friends; this is the first time we realise there are many people around, and this particular person stands out. We are willing to do things for them for nonromantic reasons, simply out of affection.

Neuroscientists note that during adolescence, friendships actively engage brain regions tied to empathy and social forecasting. This means teens practice understanding others and predicting how they feel, a skill that later supports romantic relationships too.

2. Friendships provide better references

We form relationship models by looking around us, including films and books. Friendships and loves are often shown differently. While some stories feature betrayal, most childhood messages suggest that a strong friendship is reliable and warm, capable of withstanding storms, and that the motto all for one applies. This real-world expectation supports comfortable, supportive, and nurturing friendships.

First friendship matters as a nonromantic space to learn trust, to share secrets, and to test vulnerability. It builds the belief that you can be yourself and not be rejected.

Romantic narratives demand higher drama to propel the plot. As Tolstoy observed, happy families are based on steady, quiet love, care, and mutual respect. Most people meet fewer unrealistic expectations in friendship than in popular romantic stories.

All in all, healthy friendships usually bring fewer heartbreaks and more reliable support than early romance.

3. Friendship offers more space

As noted above, first friendship tends to bring more lighthearted moments and less drama. First love can feel like an extreme experience driven by teenage intensity. It can resemble a roller coaster, where you ride along with strong emotions and try to follow safety rules. Later, with experience, you decide whether to ride again or seek something different.

Friendship feels more like sharing a ride on a calm horse: generally under control, with the rider choosing pace and direction.

According to attachment theory, the idea of a secure base is the relationship where you can safely explore the world. The first close friend often serves this role, letting a teen test new roles, push boundaries, and stay true to themselves. The first love, by contrast, may carry more anxiety about loss and a stronger desire to merge.

Summary

In short, the first friendship often lays the groundwork for healthier relationships by fostering trust, empathy, and flexibility. While first love can be intense and teach valuable lessons, friendships usually offer more stability, room to grow, and mutual support. For many people, the earliest non-family relationship shapes how they approach later romantic connections.

Key insight: The earliest friendship serves as a safe base for exploring relationships, supporting healthier connections in adulthood.